Phylicia

Cosmo

Why are we so enthralled with the moon, stars, and all things celestial?  Why do artists, poets, writers, all creators spend their time trying to capture the perfect image of the heavens?  Is it simply because we marvel at the magnitude of their existence and our inability to comprehend the depth of their continuance?  Or is it that we somehow know down to the core of our being that beyond our own world and into skies above, there lies the answer to our own genesis?  Or does it go further than that even; that subconsciously we know, hope, dream, that the person we love but have not found yet is looking up into the same sky craving the same thing?

Make Life Precious

Make Life Precious

Make us laugh and cry until our stomachs ache and heads burst.
Make fiery rock shoot across the sky for lovers to wish on.
Make rain come to cleanse the earth from Man's imperfections.
Make us alive in each other. 

Make our eyes bright and our hearts full of knowledge,
Make Human and Nature become one as they were by Creator.
Make judgment, hatred, and ignorance gone from our memories. 
Make us remember, live for now, rejoice.

Clarity

I'm out of focus.  It's like I'm tuned into the wrong station or stuck on the only channel playing static.  Is this really my fault because of my skewed perception, or are we just trying to make walkie-talkies out of cups and string?  I can't see or hear her properly, but she's not getting it either.  So are our miscommunications legitimately what is taking the blame or is it me and my inability to process emotion?  She is well educated in the process of dealing with one's emotions.  I understand her frustration with my ignorance.  Yet, I beg and plead for her guidance and we find ourselves back at square one all over again.  It takes two to tango but somehow I am the one weighing us down.  If there weren't so many wonderfully delightful and happy dreams, goals, and desires I had for our future together, I'd throw my hands in the air and be done with it; all in an attempt to save her from my selfishness.  But I am human and I continue to err, continue in my pride, and continue to be frustrated beyond belief with her best intentions.  

And yet, with or without her help on this specific subject of emotional progress, I shall change.  She is mine and I hers.  Independently unified, we will conquer all that we are given and come out bettered, until finally, there will be nothing to distinguish herself from I.

Use Your Words

She calls them journals.  I don't know if I would call them that.  Her prose flowing from page to page, Shakespearean-like almost; yo-yoing my deciphering of her words from that of a task akin to the analytical study found in a college literature class to a mission as crucial as decoding camouflaged communications being passed from a rival side during one of the Great Wars.  

She confuses me, yet she moves me.

I'm reading a different language, one I don't know but am trying my best to comprehend.  However, what I'm learning most speedily, instead of this new language, is that her dialect has no guidebook for dummies in which I can study out of.  No one but her speaks her jargon, and no one, not even her i think, completely understands it either.  

And yet, with each attempt to learn her voice--ebbing its way into every syllable on the page-- we grow closer.  I may not speak her language and I may not ever, but when she writes these words for me, I like to think that I hear her a little better every time.

I Don't Need A Soul

02 I Don't Need A Soul

This song has been stuck in my head all day; due to the fact that I heard it for the first time today and then began to attempting playing it on guitar.  Harder than it looks (sounds?).  I'll work on it.  Anyway, felt that I needed to share it since its growing on me and I enjoy having at least one song to share in each entry.  Now to sort out some thoughts since its been quite some time from my last brain cleaning.

It's kinda crazy/cool/awesome/terrifying how fate brings people together.  Call it fate, God, or whatever you will but there is some force that drives our lives into collisions with each others.  Whether we take these experiences as something to be learned or a waste of time, we still gain something from our time spent with those we crashed hardest into.  I savor this entire process; the initial meeting where first impressions are formed and sometimes always forgotten, taking the time to get to know each other through hours of talking and adventures that bond you, and then the part where you both change and grow apart.  I'm not exactly saying I enjoy the fact that most relationships end or change and that certain things in life tend to cause that, but I understand that its inevitable and I try to look at how I can become better because of the things that person left me.  Maybe its a coping mechanism, looking at the good instead of the bad, or maybe it makes it easier for me to allow myself to let more people into my life.  Whatever it is, I'm grateful that I'm able to do it because I'm met some of the most amazing people I think this world holds.  I've been able to love and be loved; the greatest gift anyone could ever be given.  I am continuously blessed with this ability as well, to share my love with others and receive it in return.  Thank you so much, I love you all!  You guys make it easy on me :)

If I Rise

I was watching the Oscar's earlier this evening and watched a rather brilliant performance of this song by Florence Welch of Florence and the Machine and A. R. Rahman.  It was nominated for best original song from the movie 127 Days but sadly lost to Randy Newman's "We Belong Together" from Toy Story 3.  While on youtube looking for a good video of tonight's perfomance (which hasn't been posted yet) I found this video of the original song instead.  One of the commenters suggested listening to the following 2 videos at the same time.  I tried it out.  Really gives you a whole new experience. 

My suggestion...listen to the song by itself once, then listen to both If I Rise and the Rainymood videos together.  Let me know what you think. 

 

 

 

I'll Write What I Know

 

J'ai Claqué La Porte

 

I've attached another song for this entry.  I only expect those of the French speaking sort to understand its lyrics as the whole thing is sung in French.  Its by a French Canadian duo called Chromeo.  However, as with the rest of my entries that include a song, I recommend listening to this song while reading this and if you would like to continue to waste time or are truly that interested, look up the lyrics and copy/paste them into google translate to get an idea of what the song means.  Its actually pretty good.  I only share the good stuff.

Actually the title of my entry for today comes from another song titled Amy's Song by Joshua Radin, another song worth looking up.  But the basis of my writing today has nothing to do with music despite the fact that I've experienced a rather remarkable musical day in multiple ways.  (If you happen to finish listening to J'ai Claqué la Porte before reaching the end of this, go ahead and look up Amy's Song (: Go ahead do yourself a favor.)

No, the foundation of today's thought is change.  Granted, not remotely an original idea, but I hope to bring some new insight to the subject.  I was doing some reading earlier while at church, listening to those who were speaking, absorbing the feelings that were there, and allowing myself to venture into deep thought.  One of the things I lighted upon while reading was the concept that everything is constantly in a state of change.  We are ever adapting to new things around us.  Whether that be a new person in our life, a new purchase, or a new decision in our life, it requires an adjustment.  It seems that as soon as we find ourselves getting comfortable with a certain way of living or with our current situation, life slaps us in the face and that's when our work is really cut out for us.  We have to start over from scratch at the point where we hate either who we are, where we are, or both and need to learn all over again to some degree who we are and what makes us worthwhile until we find joy within ourselves again.  However, so often we hear "I hate change" and see those around us try to avoid it at all costs.  I admit I have been guilty of this more than once in my life and every time I attempted to run away from change I was never the better.  If anything I discovered I was worse off than before.  

But let's add another piece to the puzzle.  Change is not something that comes if we wait for it.  Its like time.  When we wish it to go faster, the slower it goes and the slower we want it, the quicker it seems to slip from our grasps.  If we desire change to come but don't actively do anything on our part, we'll be sitting around waiting for a good while.  On the flip side of the equation, if we are so scared of change and never wish for it to enter into our perfect little world, that's all we'll experience.  But if we embrace it and are willing to adapt with change as it comes, we can progress with each adventure.  Because no matter if change comes in the form of a new person in our life, or a new purchase, or a new life decision, someone has made a choice of some kind that led up to the situation that in turn changed your life.  And the decisions you make will in some way end up changing someone else's life in some small way.  Another vicious cycle...I love how the Lord and His plan works.  So how about we all work together with those we care about and strive to let go of the things we no longer need in our lives?  Let's lose the negative and embrace the positive.   Let's face change and run towards it with arms wide open, optimistic for the chance to progress and shape ourselves into newly formed and better versions of us.  So that when we look back on who we used to be we can say, "Wow, I've changed a lot" without any shame but finally with the pride we've always desired.  

Thanksgiving

Its kind of an interesting experience finding out that you're wrong about something.  Most of us try to deny that it happens but once we actually own up to it and admit it not only to ourselve but to those around us it can lead to certain discoveries and changes.  It seems to knock us down a peg and deflate our egos in a sense.  I had this much needed "Spring Cleaning" of the mind this last week.  Its been a long time coming and I guess has been occuring over some time now.  I've discovered that this is one of those things that happens over an extended period of time and not all at once, no matter how much I wish it did.  I think one of my biggest flaws is that I desire so strongly to change but I want it to happen all at once and when I realize that its impossible to change everything all at the same time and you have to do things step by step, I get frustrated and give up on myself.  Not a great pattern but its one I've fallen into and where I'm now taking my first steps at changing.  I've also realized that the people that tell you these things, who help to shrink our heads, are the ones who hate to tell us.  They're the people who we care for more than anything and who love us more than we understand and somehow they seem to know us better than we know ourselves at times.  Its manditory at times for them to share thier insight on how they see us sometimes because its extremely difficult for us to see ourselves differently than we already do.  During this week of Thanksgiving, I have never been more grateful for the relationships I have.  I love the support and care I have and receive on a daily basis from my family and my best of friends.  They help me to be better, desire to change, and achieve my goals when the road gets hardest.  To them I say thank you and I love you.  Don't give up on me just yet.

Unknown

 

Download 03 Unknown 2

 

I usually have a song that themes or sparks every blog entry that I write.  That doesn't really seem to be the case with this one.  I still have a song (Unknown by Lifehouse just click on the link above) for this entry but I'm not quite sure how well it fits besides just the title. 

Lately I've been making a lot of big decisions when it comes to my current situation.  I'm dropping out of school after this semester and going home to work and simply take a break from being a student.  I honestly have no idea what is going to happen or how much time I'm going to take off or what I'm going to do with my time off.  I know I don't have a ton going on for me back at home but I know I don't have a ton going on for me here either.  I just know this is not where I'm supposed to be anymore.  I'm ok with that.  Now to go and figure things out.

Now with the fact that I'm leaving and it being a recent decision, within the last week or so, I'm running around and taking care of things to make sure its a smooth transition and other things.  Lot's of people are coming up and talking to me about leaving, asking questions, and thoroughly giving their opinions on the matter as though it will change my mind.  I have also realized that there are the select few that I have a desire to hang out with before I leave and no one else really matters.  What's funny/frustrating is that these people are now all blowing me off.  These people who are my family, the most important ones to me and who are closest to me and have been ever since I've lived in this place.  Fantastic.  Give up?  Promising idea since I'm tired of all of this mess and let's be honest how many of these relationships are going to survive and matter once I leave anyway?  I just wish everyone I cared about would put in as much effort into the relationships that I did.  If they could just get into my head and see things from my perspective or allow me 10 minutes to explain how I felt about the whole matter maybe that could help change the whole thing.
 
Hmm...I doubt it.  I mean what do we have control over? Nothing but ourselves....

This is gonna be a rough couple of months.

Don't Trust Me

I want something to just finally be real.
Something that I can tangibly feel.
I want something with longevity and that I can return.
Can I trust myself enough to?